Not Everyone Deserves Access to You: A Real Talk on Boundaries and Energy
Welcome back to She Thrives with Stef Barti, an empowering podcast helping women step into their fullest expression, live their best lives, and thrive unapologetically.
Today, I want to normalize something that’s really important: not everyone deserves access to you.
I know this is tricky, especially for us women. So many of us were socialized to always be nice, polite, soft-spoken. We’re taught not to be angry, not to raise our voices.
And what ends up happening? It grooms us into people pleasers.
And honestly? I’m just… done with it.
This episode is actually inspired by something that happened to me recently. Story time.
It all Started at the Coffee Shop
There’s this coffee shop I’ve been going to for years. I call it my office because instead of renting a workspace, I just go there. It checks all the vibe boxes—the decor, the mood, the energy.
It’s got that typical all-white interior, which I know some of you girlies don’t love because beige isn’t for everyone—but hear me out.
Color impacts our psychology. Those soft, neutral tones can really ground and soothe us. There’s a reason people feel calm in spaces like that.
Anyway, I love the place.
It’s open, full of plants, and just perfect for getting into my flow. That’s where I go to read, write, work on my laptop, come in after yoga or roller skating. It’s kind of become part of my routine.
Enter: Michael
So recently, there’s this new guy working there.
Let’s call him Michael. And from the first time I saw him, I knew—he liked me.
I’ve always picked up on energy quickly.
But honestly? I wasn’t interested.
Now, let me make something clear: I’m not a people pleaser anymore. That era is over.
I’m in my Taking no Sh*t girl era now. I use my voice. I take up space. I state my needs. And that includes being honest when someone’s energy isn’t welcome in my life.
Fast forward a few months, and Michael finally tries to make a move. I was leaving the coffee shop one day, and he literally runs after me.
Now, let me back up. For months he’s been awkwardly trying to flirt—dropping random lines while handing me food like, “I have a restaurant, you should come eat there.” And I’m just like… Boy, bye.
But this time, he catches me outside, and starts talking. And talking. And talking…
A One-Sided Conversation
What followed was a full-on monologue. Not a conversation. Just him, talking about himself nonstop.
Here’s the thing—I show up to that place with books, yoga mats, roller skates… so many easy openings to connect if he was truly interested in me as a person.
But nope.
No curiosity.
No effort to get to know me.
At one point, he even said, “I used to know your name, but I forgot.”
Excuse me?
I’ve been going there for years. All the other baristas know my name.
We laugh, hug, chat. I know their names, they know mine. It’s mutual. So for him to say that? Yeah, big red flag.
If you supposedly like me but can’t even remember my name? That says a lot.
The Red Flags Stack Up
Then came the lies. He tells me he owns a restaurant—meanwhile, he works full-time shifts at this coffee shop.
I asked him about his son (because a friend of mine, also a barista there, told me he has a four-year-old).
And you know what he says?
“I don’t have a son.”
Wow. Just… wow.
The way some men will try to erase their responsibilities to impress a woman?
That’s not appealing. That’s not honest. I would’ve respected him so much more if he had owned it—said he was working hard to build a life for his kid.
That’s real. That’s admirable.
But no, he chose lies.
Finding The Exit
At that point, I was done. I wasn’t interested to begin with, but now I was in full-on negative interest.
And listen, this coffee shop is my spot.
Michael handles my food. So I had to think smart—how do I turn him down in a way that’s safe for me?
Because this is real life.
And women always have to think about our safety.
So I tell him, “Michael, I think you’re a nice guy. Please don’t take it personally, but I’m not looking to date right now. I’m coming out of a long-term relationship, and I’m focused on me.”
That should’ve been the end.
The Instagram Ask
But no. He keeps following me and says, “Well, can I have your Instagram?”
Oof. This one hits a nerve.
We’ve gotten to a place where asking for someone’s Instagram is just the new “can I have your number.” And I hate it. Especially when it’s used as a backdoor access to someone’s life.
My Instagram is private. I made it that way months ago and I’m not looking back.
It’s my creative space. I’m an artist. A dancer. A feminine embodiment teacher.
I share movement, sensual expression, pole, flow, joy.
It’s all mine to express for the enjoyment and fulfillment of my soul.
It’s not for thirsty strangers.
It’s not for men lurking and sending flame emojis and eggplants.
I’m not here for that.
So I told him: No, I’m not comfortable sharing my Instagram.
And I watched the switch.
That fake “nice guy” mask slipped, just like that. His energy changed.
His entitlement showed. And I’m like… there it is.
You Don’t Owe Anyone Access
Here’s the truth: not everyone deserves access to you.
We need to stop being so nice. We need to reclaim our privacy, our energy, our power.
Your energy is sacred.
Your presence is not for everyone.
Especially not for those who come into your space with entitlement, lies, or manipulation.
We are allowed to have boundaries. We are allowed to say no.
And no one—not your coworker, your barista, your friend, or some guy on the street—is entitled to an explanation, a story, or a piece of you that you’re not ready or willing to share.
Let’s normalize that.
If this message resonated with you and you’re looking for honest, supportive guidance, I offer Tarot Readings, Soul Readings, and Akashic Records sessions.
These one-on-one sessions are a space to explore what’s present in your life, gain clarity, and receive grounded insight for your next steps. You’re welcome to book a session whenever you’re ready.
With love,
Stef Barti
Host of She Thrives with Stef Barti Podcast
Feel free to share this post with anyone who might benefit from it. And remember, you are a unique, beautiful creation, worthy of love and joy every day of the year.
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